Listen to this when you want to feel better than everyone else...

"... reports of lover's tryst....we're neither clear nor discript...."

And it was a tryst.
in another time when it was fruitful and decadent at the same time.we knew it would happen.
well, I was hoping.
it wasnt physical at first.It was an intriguing attraction to our similarities.
but then there was the way she would greet me.with a hug that held a hidden message.
I would watch her face when I she thought I wasnt looking.when she would laugh at me.
we would argue like a couple.
a couple of firecrackers.
so it was only inevitable that we shared a kiss.
only inevitable but not only a kiss.
a tryst.like butterflies right before lips hit lips

"By then it's you I can do without..there's nothing new to talk about.."

and I hold that to be the last time anything was real and close to me.honestly living out a mistruth for so long can open your eyes to the obvious
but we were never obvious.
secret keepers.
it's what I want.It's what I wait for.
I cannot recall the last time I saw her in person.wait. a fleeting visit years ago.
but I remember every moment that sparked between us and laughed and argued.
the salad days of my love life.better yet a renaissance and regurgitation of a youthful exuberance when I was admired for my core.
I can see us together.I always have.
that click
clique. our own clique.
just her and I.
she made me feel I could take on the world.
she has that beauty that made me imagine my name and hers synonymous.
never one without the other.

"When the shadows washed away
I was painting larger ones
Larger than the canvases
The canvases I can't believe

And I can't understand when things turned gray
I'm not who I was in the morning
And there's a million reasons that I'd like you to stay
Tried to utter the words while you're falling

I run out the bedroom
Cause I can't really breathe
A recurrent fear of being tied down
And I would like to blame it on the artist in me
But there's no one there, so that's bullshit

I'm going through girls
And pushing through crowds
And she knows I'm looking for her
And I'm going through hell
Through the darkest sides of myself

I only want what I can't have


Run ahead
Don't wait up
Just run ahead
Don't wait up cause I'll follow you there
Follow you there
I'll follow you there
Follow the ocean
Follow you there
Follow the ocean
The road's not far way


I only want
I only want her today
I only want what I can't have
I only, I only want her today

I only want what I can't have

I remember driving to work singing that at the top of my lungs.
excited to spend time with her and the nervousness of what we might do afterwards.
well now it is afterwards
a long time afterwards
an i still think of what we will do
That's love as I remember it to be