Siphon Fuel

"Hey what's your name?
Do you feel the same way too?
Siphon fuel don't make a sound
And most of all don't let me down
It comes as no surprise
We're destabilized
Lock eyes shared plan
No c.i.a. could understand
Defile define critique and salve
No c.i.a. no n.s.a.
No satellite could map our veins"

Funny how feelings seem to stay preserved....or mummified.whichever.
And they save you from pity.
The time between blinking eyes could be eternity
only to open with nanosecond views of the past.your face,your smile.

and then I am there.
That powder keg of potential energy that coursed in me when I was around you years ago.
It was there again.Like no time had passed.
It took every fiber to contain and maintain my composure.
I know it exists because as I write I can not put it into words.
The very title of my collection stems from moments with you.

"do you feel the same way I do?.."

It might have been because I lived simple without want.I remember laying my head down on my bedless floor and finding it difficult to erase the smile from my face.
Me and my storied history...
but it was the same to be there with you.
No.Time.Had.Passed.
The comfort and combustion I found years ago still existed.
If ten more years pass before I see you,believe I will still smile the same before sleep takes me.
But I hope not.
Hope.
Sometimes all we can hope for is that they ache for us like we ache for them.
This feeling is so few and far between in life or so it has been for me.
The intensity of your arms hugging me tight and keeping me from falling apart or combusting into the air and the fact that you had know idea that's what you were doing at the time.
This rejuvenation comes without ritual and circumstance that I have come to place such importance on.
It is just as it seems.
Calm.
It comes as no surprise.

What lips these lips have kissed and where and why...part one

Author's Note: I feel horrible about neglecting my blog.My cathartic bloodletting for the internet.My health issues and personal misguided decisions as of late derailed my train of thought and have pushed this to the side for awhile.But I need this outlet and promise to pursue it once again with the passion of a misguided decision maker.For now here is an entry from December 2007.I wrote this as a reflection of a best friend who has been a very strong presence this year helping me get through the difficulties of being ill.Enjoy and thank you all for the support.... #n2tha0back.

It was very long ago.
A love that grew out of resentment for those who trampled on our hearts
and she vowed no emotions for the new year
but she let one slip
and the union held steady
our union excellent and punk
our names synonymous the way I have chased ever since
and in our youth we lived out our scorched earth policy
I burning the bridges of my family as Nero serenaded me on mother's day
and her casting long shadows for me to bathe and sleep in
covering me with her future
yea we were a team.....
and then she took off her ring
she took it off
Toby Tyler...your table is ready......
but she had to
I couldn't hold her back...her future became so huge!
how can a tragic hero like myself compete
with the blow,the pills,the yak..the herb.
"I am just in it for the ride"
she said as her nails were as jaded as her words
see she was so precise with that nail file
and I imagined how precise she was while cutting lines with the same
vanity(and the same fingers and ragged nails)
she read like a book to me
she was cut from me
and when it was time to say goodbye and off to New York New York big city of dreams
this little piggy stayed home
and cried in the front seat of his hyundai
dried my eyes and drove off from in front of her house
knowing my world turned
but who was I to make her stay
13 years gone and I wouldn't have it any other way
my LOVE is capitol even more today
see its cosmic and mere humans cant touch it
jealous asses
we are without each other
each others arms and kisses and blah fuck blah
but to have this bond is what old codgers stay together for
hoping to wake up one day and look at the
person that slumbers beside them and realize
today is the day she will understand me

Sick All Summer

It's Dreary
Hot
Uncomfortable
Been sick all summer
Been sick all day.
This Vessel a shell
breaking down
Slower now.
It's silence and golden
Been Sick all summer

End on End

If you thought that I didn't have a plan
then you never knew me at all
If you thought I was robbed of the ability to foreshadow
Then you highly underestimated me
If you thought that I didn't have a plan
then I don't know what you were thinking.


All this time.

Somewhere in these cryptic scriptures...

I have held my breath underwater
like everyone has I suppose
to see how long
you can hold your breath underwater
I have always been pretty good at it
but to me
the moment before you give
the moment you realize
you cannot take anymore
that your life at that very moment cannot function
without breath
that very last second that is laced with panic and determination
is so much more precious to me
than the first gasp you savor
after being underwater
this is me realizing
I need that air
I have gone without
and settled for muddled senses
long enough
I want to gasp
but for too long have loved the suspended silence
of holding my breath
Breath with me...

You must know one thing....

Pining for those that hurt you the most
longing for those that cut you the worst
missing the ones that hit you the hardest
giving your heart to those that are heartless
does not sound healthy
actions that could make one sick
but reading the words on the page
rather than seeing them play out
sounds exactly like what I am doing as well
FUCK.


And I wish it was as easy as it seems
to turn and cut
but my feet are like quicksand
my heart is sullen
and my drive for who I was is nonexistent
truthfully my core shakes at the reality that is
I could not define love with a pistol in my mouth
it has eluded me
my core has eroded to desolate
my charm has housed the hue of patina copper
"and I cant find my way home..."