What if I cant shine?

My dear family,
we have wept like floods in this year
and buried pillars of our own.
but this ground we stand on is strong from the soil they lay under
and the air stronger from the ashes they bind to
fed by these tears of ours.
I have learned many things through loss
but in this family
the ones we have lost this year
have taught me
to never stop dreaming
my oldest uncle taught me to take whatever talent i had and thrust it out there
to the world unabashedly
take chances
and my Grandmother Sandy the same....always delighted in my accomplishments
and comfortable to play the role of doting grandmother
my cousin Doug was my audience and cheering section...
we all need that and i will have it forever
so let us Jones,Fortunes,Perkins,Lowerys,Dawsons,Looneys
Husseins,Van Zandts,Fines and every other god forsaken clan i might have forgot that is blessed to be in this web of ours....
poor out and cry......
because tomorrow a new challenge awaits
recovery in the form of a new year....
I hold my head high and proud of the strength in all of you....
and I repay with my own strength
Thank you......

I wanna have the same last dream again.....

you know those people that want so badly to be close to you
the ones that hold out like Siddartha standing till the morning
and wait for whispers of your voice
the ones you never see?

They DO grow weary of it......


"and here we go life's waiting to begin..."

so this new year is creeping towards us
and I promise a state of emotions address
for all that have been faithful constituents
to me and my cabinet
but let tonight be the grenade pin
the landmine spring
but I will let you know
I grow weary
and I will soon not be looking
I will evacuate my heart from my sleeve
and seal it in the vault
so que up lovers.....

Incomplete from July 06

"before you put my body in the cold ground....

take some time to warm it with your hands...."

This Year

This is the year my flesh is ripped from my bones

I lay down to the world and confess

That my grief is real

This is the year my hands wipe my face clean of lines

And lies and lives

And I relinquish this power I have

This is the year that I see the ghost in my kitchen

And ask if my sins are repaired

Only to hear a hollowed reply

”I am not real, you saw nothing”

This year travels in me like thick iron syrup

Promised to cleanse but only makes me foggy

And I know I wake up to find

Another year I lost

This year I wait for stick figured doe-eyed men

To cross the stars and land before my temples

The ones next to my eyes

So ripe for gouging

This year I will depend

On little tiny hands to hold my heart

And keep it warm

Hands wrinkled by long

Luke warm bath water

But they were big strong hands

This year I will survive

On top of crackling leaves

Like Live Oak skies that smile

on young men not yet burdened

burdened by coarse worlds

and cursed words

Kumbaya motherfucker

This year winter will last but for a blink

We hope

We hope

And Christmas is rebirth for the spirits

Just like summer sucks

Our bones dry of marrow

Seasons all consuming

But not this year

We hope

when the sun shines in this room....the son shines in this room

I wish Gavin were here tonight
nighttime is the worst
the silence is deafening in this house
it makes me sick of breathing
because thats the only sound I hear
but if my son were with me....
I could hear his sleepy breaths
and I wouldnt feel impossibly alone
and maybe thats all I lack
not arms that lay under my head till morning
just him
his room is so emptied
I mean its cluttered and messy like a four year old's room
but he is not here
and Thursday MY father will be here
in HIS sons cluttered and messy house
emptied as ever
empty as fuck

Look Closer......

Its beautiful really.
the human capability to grab at anything when we fall
no matter how high you fall from.....your hands will pull at the open air
the same air that will escape your lungs in 6 seconds
when we really should have started reaching long before we knew the ledge
but most of the time no one sees us falling
its beautiful really
and right before our eyes
reality lives with ghosts
its the string that they dangle in front of us
the chill up our spine
its beautiful......I swear
squint those eyes of yours just once and see

Circling the wagons

One of us equals many of us
Disrespect one of us
you'll see plenty of us

Thats how its always been
at least for me
All I have had to make was one phone call
my friends
my brothers grin for nights like these
go ahead
ruin your night
and sometimes cosmically
a phone call wasnt necessary
once I walked drenched in the rain down broadway
after being dismissed from campus and almost arrested
crying bawling my eyes out
hopelessly
and who rolls up
my boy in the hyundai
with open arms and words of encouragement
I stand here today because of that
and the many other days my brothers have held my head or rode in ambulances or came by in the dead of night so I wouldnt be dead by morning
so go ahead and make me open my quiver
because next to my son is my friends
and no one female has ever gotten between that
no matter how much we have accepted her into the boys club
for the sake of our equals happiness
dont ruin your night

the church back door was open and I said
"we can go right now bro.....we can just go skate....its your choice"
man we shouldve skated that day!!!



Make bright the arrows
Gather the shields:
Conquest narrows
The peaceful fields.

Stock well the quiver
With arrows bright:
The bowman feared
Need never fight.

Make bright the arrows,
O peaceful and wise!
Gather the shields
Against surprise.

E.st.V.Millay

Hey Blue...oh your love is strange.....

looking is exhausting and settling is defeating and love is for suckers who "fall for the banana in the tailpipe"and whispers are always words that they want you to "accidentally "hear and take in your heart to keep because no one likes to be forgotten or gotten over on but we cant help it that our brain never shuts off and all this physicality seems so plastic like a contrived dance we all know and hate but we do it anyway like maybe this time this one; maybe this time this one
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes

No matter where you are...I can still hear you when you drown...

So this is the weekend.Its like Christmas.I anticipate coming home to an empty house.
A rebirth...I just want to steer it in the right direction.
Having my words move people is overwhelming.Its me with my keyboard and my thoughts.I am humbled by the fact that something I have felt has helped ease the pain of my family..the people that are so much bigger than me.
It also makes my little mamby pamby problems seem......mamby pamby.It definitely puts a different perspective on things...which is a gift.

Shine on you crazy diamond.......

Im floored.
The festivities loom in midst of tragedy.To lose a loved one unexpectedly is perhaps the worst pain a person can deal with.But to see the backbone of my family being crushed with such crisis is very disconcerting.I want to heal them all and take the pain away like its my duty.I have lost a mentor of sorts.A true optimist that helped me be confident in my awkward years.And his heart was tremendous.It is my belief that the changes he made later on in his life have afforded him wonderful karma and I know he will be around me all the time.
Cousin Doug..you will be missed..your spirit could move mountains as it has moved me.Rock on.........We love you.Thanks for making me cool.

Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of angels send thee to thy rest