Friday, November 30, 2007

Breathing like the drowning man.......

Last night something strange...a dream
unexpected and totally took me by surprise
I dreamed of reconciliation
we talked about it while we were in the throws of passion
well not really the throws
more like we were grudge fucking
or about to
and then we said how is this gonna work
"I have the apartment and I am on the lease..."she said
as i bit at her bra
it was red checkered like a picnic tablecloth
and I assured her we would work it out
all the details and I felt her lips almost real like in my dream
smoke and mirrors that is often accompanied in dreams
I could feel her hand touching me
her hand.....her touch....


I never dreamt about her before
not in this compacity and definitely not after the split
but there she was in my head and in my bed
resolving things the way we always did
fucking the problems away
and always for that brief time we were intimate it felt like we could actually work
but the high of post coital stillness would wear off and we would come back to reality
she knows what she means to me physically
the embodiment of what I want and she knows the inner workings of my passion
its overwhelming and I understand now why that was the first thing to go
the sex that is
maybe it would have pulled us back into our continued spiral of unhappiness
but I admit it felt good to be in the throws for just that brief moment in my dream
and then she called and I heard her voice this morning......
and was reminded why our lives are the way they are now
and thats better than any grudge fuck we could ever have
or ever did

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Listen to this when you want to feel better than everyone else...

"... reports of lover's tryst....we're neither clear nor discript...."

And it was a tryst.
in another time when it was fruitful and decadent at the same time.we knew it would happen.
well, I was hoping.
it wasnt physical at first.It was an intriguing attraction to our similarities.
but then there was the way she would greet me.with a hug that held a hidden message.
I would watch her face when I she thought I wasnt looking.when she would laugh at me.
we would argue like a couple.
a couple of firecrackers.
so it was only inevitable that we shared a kiss.
only inevitable but not only a kiss.
a tryst.
like butterflies right before lips hit lips

"By then it's you I can do without..there's nothing new to talk about.."

and I hold that to be the last time anything was real and close to me.honestly living out a mistruth for so long can open your eyes to the obvious
but we were never obvious.
secret keepers.
it's what I want.It's what I wait for.
I cannot recall the last time I saw her in person.wait. a fleeting visit years ago.
but I remember every moment that sparked between us and laughed and argued.
the salad days of my love life.better yet a renaissance and regurgitation of a youthful exuberance when I was admired for my core.
I can see us together.I always have.
that click
clique. our own clique.
just her and I.
she made me feel I could take on the world.
she has that beauty that made me imagine my name and hers synonymous.
never one without the other.

"When the shadows washed away
I was painting larger ones
Larger than the canvases
The canvases I can't believe

And I can't understand when things turned gray
I'm not who I was in the morning
And there's a million reasons that I'd like you to stay
Tried to utter the words while you're falling

I run out the bedroom
Cause I can't really breathe
A recurrent fear of being tied down
And I would like to blame it on the artist in me
But there's no one there, so that's bullshit

I'm going through girls
And pushing through crowds
And she knows I'm looking for her
And I'm going through hell
Through the darkest sides of myself

I only want what I can't have

Run ahead
Don't wait up
Just run ahead
Don't wait up cause I'll follow you there
Follow you there
I'll follow you there
Follow the ocean
Follow you there
Follow the ocean
The road's not far way

I only want
I only want her today
I only want what I can't have
I only, I only want her today

I only want what I can't have

I remember driving to work singing that at the top of my lungs.
excited to spend time with her and the nervousness of what we might do afterwards.
well now it is afterwards
a long time afterwards
an i still think of what we will do
That's love as I remember it to be

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Hey Blue...oh your love is strange.....

looking is exhausting and settling is defeating and love is for suckers who "fall for the banana in the tailpipe"and whispers are always words that they want you to "accidentally "hear and take in your heart to keep because no one likes to be forgotten or gotten over on but we cant help it that our brain never shuts off and all this physicality seems so plastic like a contrived dance we all know and hate but we do it anyway like maybe this time this one; maybe this time this one
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes

Saturday, November 24, 2007

...The less I care about how much further away I get..

I think we learn to lie at an early age and it just grows with us.Some people have perfected this talent.

I told you you would break my heart.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Jankey November

My Son
My Friends
My Sneakers
My Tattoos

Everything else can S a PP.

All this wind is drudging up old wounds and leaves and sticks are getting stuck inside.........The question is to whether cut the extremities off and bleed out...or spend time picking each twig and nuisance out of the gore.I am sleepy for the next round......

I cant wait till it hurts so much its unbearable and she will cry and cry and cry but that is a dream world because LOVERS like her were not born with the compacityto feel let alone cry in remorse....

Thursday, November 15, 2007

the further I get ....from the things that I care about....

A wise man once said"well..dude...there you have it"
Thats true right about now...what has to change without having everything change?
I want constant
I want consistence
Like I dont have enough damage control to do


Colonial Gothic....

Thats the look we have decided to go for when remodeling the house which has now been dubbed the wolf den. you know very Anne Rice/lestat.If you have any suggestions please sling them my way.
On another easy is it that the world goes away so quickly....

Sunday, November 11, 2007

My Dwelling

This house is quiet.
Defeated.I imagine it knows
I imagine it had dashing hopes as all dwellings do
Hopes of sustaining life and holding a family
Season after season
If it only knew
It takes more than a house to hold a family

First night.

Friday, November 9, 2007

No matter where you are...I can still hear you when you drown...

So this is the weekend.Its like Christmas.I anticipate coming home to an empty house.
A rebirth...I just want to steer it in the right direction.
Having my words move people is overwhelming.Its me with my keyboard and my thoughts.I am humbled by the fact that something I have felt has helped ease the pain of my family..the people that are so much bigger than me.
It also makes my little mamby pamby problems seem......mamby pamby.It definitely puts a different perspective on things...which is a gift.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Shine on you crazy diamond.......

Im floored.
The festivities loom in midst of tragedy.To lose a loved one unexpectedly is perhaps the worst pain a person can deal with.But to see the backbone of my family being crushed with such crisis is very disconcerting.I want to heal them all and take the pain away like its my duty.I have lost a mentor of sorts.A true optimist that helped me be confident in my awkward years.And his heart was tremendous.It is my belief that the changes he made later on in his life have afforded him wonderful karma and I know he will be around me all the time.
Cousin will be missed..your spirit could move mountains as it has moved me.Rock on.........We love you.Thanks for making me cool.

Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of angels send thee to thy rest