What if I cant shine?

My dear family,
we have wept like floods in this year
and buried pillars of our own.
but this ground we stand on is strong from the soil they lay under
and the air stronger from the ashes they bind to
fed by these tears of ours.
I have learned many things through loss
but in this family
the ones we have lost this year
have taught me
to never stop dreaming
my oldest uncle taught me to take whatever talent i had and thrust it out there
to the world unabashedly
take chances
and my Grandmother Sandy the same....always delighted in my accomplishments
and comfortable to play the role of doting grandmother
my cousin Doug was my audience and cheering section...
we all need that and i will have it forever
so let us Jones,Fortunes,Perkins,Lowerys,Dawsons,Looneys
Husseins,Van Zandts,Fines and every other god forsaken clan i might have forgot that is blessed to be in this web of ours....
poor out and cry......
because tomorrow a new challenge awaits
recovery in the form of a new year....
I hold my head high and proud of the strength in all of you....
and I repay with my own strength
Thank you......

I wanna have the same last dream again.....

you know those people that want so badly to be close to you
the ones that hold out like Siddartha standing till the morning
and wait for whispers of your voice
the ones you never see?

They DO grow weary of it......


"and here we go life's waiting to begin..."

so this new year is creeping towards us
and I promise a state of emotions address
for all that have been faithful constituents
to me and my cabinet
but let tonight be the grenade pin
the landmine spring
but I will let you know
I grow weary
and I will soon not be looking
I will evacuate my heart from my sleeve
and seal it in the vault
so que up lovers.....

We are called Stalefish and we sound like this...

and with that we would launch into our 2 minute diatribes about our friends and morals but most of all it was an invitation to group therapy
the short time we played together I grew into my own shell.
this bubble that I could write in and not be judged
I also suffered and that was the best thing to happen at this time
as it always is for tragic heroes...
but I had the chance to write about what each of us had been through
or was going through
through observation
me the obsessive one
how ever long I reach...thats where I keep you
I never wanted Cindy too far away from me
and she was too close actually
in the next room sexually submitting to drunken men
as I listened
and Shorty battling to bury his recent frustrations
now I am all you hate and you're just old to me
ring on my finger...I'm chained patiently...
but the deeper I went inward to find my own independence my walls caved
steady I retain...to pierce my insides
I pulled back the curtain as much as I could
but not too much
we were boys
we were together
and I am proud to say every word I wrote or screamed or massacred
I did for my boys
(even pocket pussy)
and look where it got us
bloody but unbowed
rehearsal for the final bout
one step..I walked away

the best years of my life......honestly

heres your warning.....

and I dont sleep......its been this way since the door behind her closed
its more like I fall exhausted in a haze
and nowadays when i see her she has no face to me...
I have stopped looking deeper
looking for something
so its weird...
she has no face
nothing to adore
and she is skin and bones
whithered by the burden of love i suppose
new love
adoring love
bullshit love that is fleeting
give me the cynical kind any day
just tell me your name and that you will be breaking my heart
so i am prepared
on second thought there is no fun in that
I like the knife in the back
I just hate the hack that wields the tool


"tell me tell me what your after....
I just wanna get there faster..."

Incomplete from July 06

"before you put my body in the cold ground....

take some time to warm it with your hands...."

This Year

This is the year my flesh is ripped from my bones

I lay down to the world and confess

That my grief is real

This is the year my hands wipe my face clean of lines

And lies and lives

And I relinquish this power I have

This is the year that I see the ghost in my kitchen

And ask if my sins are repaired

Only to hear a hollowed reply

”I am not real, you saw nothing”

This year travels in me like thick iron syrup

Promised to cleanse but only makes me foggy

And I know I wake up to find

Another year I lost

This year I wait for stick figured doe-eyed men

To cross the stars and land before my temples

The ones next to my eyes

So ripe for gouging

This year I will depend

On little tiny hands to hold my heart

And keep it warm

Hands wrinkled by long

Luke warm bath water

But they were big strong hands

This year I will survive

On top of crackling leaves

Like Live Oak skies that smile

on young men not yet burdened

burdened by coarse worlds

and cursed words

Kumbaya motherfucker

This year winter will last but for a blink

We hope

We hope

And Christmas is rebirth for the spirits

Just like summer sucks

Our bones dry of marrow

Seasons all consuming

But not this year

We hope

when the sun shines in this room....the son shines in this room

I wish Gavin were here tonight
nighttime is the worst
the silence is deafening in this house
it makes me sick of breathing
because thats the only sound I hear
but if my son were with me....
I could hear his sleepy breaths
and I wouldnt feel impossibly alone
and maybe thats all I lack
not arms that lay under my head till morning
just him
his room is so emptied
I mean its cluttered and messy like a four year old's room
but he is not here
and Thursday MY father will be here
in HIS sons cluttered and messy house
emptied as ever
empty as fuck

What lips these lips have kissed and where and why...part one

It was very long ago.
A love that grew out of resentment for those who trampled on our hearts
and she vowed no emotions for the new year
but she let one slip
and the union held steady
our union excellent and punk
our names synonymous the way I have chased ever since
and in our youth we lived out our scorched earth policy
I burning the bridges of my family as Nero serenaded me on mother's day
and her casting long shadows for me to bathe and sleep in
covering me with her future
yea we were a team.....
and then she took off her ring
she took it off
Toby Tyler...your table is ready......
but she had to
I couldn't hold her back...her future became so huge!
how can a tragic hero like myself compete
with the blow,the pills,the yak..the herb.
"I am just in it for the ride"
she said as her nails were as jaded as her words
see she was so precise with that nail file
and I imagined how precise she was while cutting lines with the same
vanity(and the same fingers and ragged nails)
she read like a book to me
she was cut from me
and when it was time to say goodbye and off to New York New York big city of dreams
this little piggy stayed home
and cried in the front seat of his hyundai
dried my eyes and drove off from in front of her house
knowing my world turned
but who was I to make her stay
13 years gone and I wouldn't have it any other way
my LOVE is capitol even more today
see its cosmic and mere humans cant touch it
jealous asses
we are without each other
each others arms and kisses and blah fuck blah
but to have this bond is what old codgers stay together for
hoping to wake up one day and look at the
person that slumbers beside them and realize
today is the day she will understand me

Look Closer......

Its beautiful really.
the human capability to grab at anything when we fall
no matter how high you fall from.....your hands will pull at the open air
the same air that will escape your lungs in 6 seconds
when we really should have started reaching long before we knew the ledge
but most of the time no one sees us falling
its beautiful really
and right before our eyes
reality lives with ghosts
its the string that they dangle in front of us
the chill up our spine
its beautiful......I swear
squint those eyes of yours just once and see

Manic compression

So this is whats in store
in doesn't hurt to try
there is no pain in death
it only hurts to die.....

She said I looked awesome
such a little compliment from a big voice
she stole me away and I don't think I ever got my full self back!
Her and that damn city of hers.
and a timely message for today
when i find out some people get what I deserve
but the buddha says.....
the buddha lies on his side and says nothing
except shhhhh...quiet that incessant bitching

Circling the wagons

One of us equals many of us
Disrespect one of us
you'll see plenty of us

Thats how its always been
at least for me
All I have had to make was one phone call
my friends
my brothers grin for nights like these
go ahead
ruin your night
and sometimes cosmically
a phone call wasnt necessary
once I walked drenched in the rain down broadway
after being dismissed from campus and almost arrested
crying bawling my eyes out
hopelessly
and who rolls up
my boy in the hyundai
with open arms and words of encouragement
I stand here today because of that
and the many other days my brothers have held my head or rode in ambulances or came by in the dead of night so I wouldnt be dead by morning
so go ahead and make me open my quiver
because next to my son is my friends
and no one female has ever gotten between that
no matter how much we have accepted her into the boys club
for the sake of our equals happiness
dont ruin your night

the church back door was open and I said
"we can go right now bro.....we can just go skate....its your choice"
man we shouldve skated that day!!!



Make bright the arrows
Gather the shields:
Conquest narrows
The peaceful fields.

Stock well the quiver
With arrows bright:
The bowman feared
Need never fight.

Make bright the arrows,
O peaceful and wise!
Gather the shields
Against surprise.

E.st.V.Millay