Monday, December 31, 2007

What if I cant shine?

My dear family,
we have wept like floods in this year
and buried pillars of our own.
but this ground we stand on is strong from the soil they lay under
and the air stronger from the ashes they bind to
fed by these tears of ours.
I have learned many things through loss
but in this family
the ones we have lost this year
have taught me
to never stop dreaming
my oldest uncle taught me to take whatever talent i had and thrust it out there
to the world unabashedly
take chances
and my Grandmother Sandy the same....always delighted in my accomplishments
and comfortable to play the role of doting grandmother
my cousin Doug was my audience and cheering section...
we all need that and i will have it forever
so let us Jones,Fortunes,Perkins,Lowerys,Dawsons,Looneys
Husseins,Van Zandts,Fines and every other god forsaken clan i might have forgot that is blessed to be in this web of ours....
poor out and cry......
because tomorrow a new challenge awaits
recovery in the form of a new year....
I hold my head high and proud of the strength in all of you....
and I repay with my own strength
Thank you......

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I wanna have the same last dream again.....

you know those people that want so badly to be close to you
the ones that hold out like Siddartha standing till the morning
and wait for whispers of your voice
the ones you never see?

They DO grow weary of it......


"and here we go life's waiting to begin..."

so this new year is creeping towards us
and I promise a state of emotions address
for all that have been faithful constituents
to me and my cabinet
but let tonight be the grenade pin
the landmine spring
but I will let you know
I grow weary
and I will soon not be looking
I will evacuate my heart from my sleeve
and seal it in the vault
so que up lovers.....

Monday, December 24, 2007

We are called Stalefish and we sound like this...


and with that we would launch into our 2 minute diatribes about our friends and morals but most of all it was an invitation to group therapy
the short time we played together I grew into my own shell.
this bubble that I could write in and not be judged
I also suffered and that was the best thing to happen at this time
as it always is for tragic heroes...
but I had the chance to write about what each of us had been through
or was going through
through observation
me the obsessive one
how ever long I reach...thats where I keep you
I never wanted Cindy too far away from me
and she was too close actually
in the next room sexually submitting to drunken men
as I listened
and Shorty battling to bury his recent frustrations
now I am all you hate and you're just old to me
ring on my finger...I'm chained patiently...
but the deeper I went inward to find my own independence my walls caved
steady I retain...to pierce my insides
I pulled back the curtain as much as I could
but not too much
we were boys
we were together
and I am proud to say every word I wrote or screamed or massacred
I did for my boys
(even pocket pussy)
and look where it got us
bloody but unbowed
rehearsal for the final bout
one step..I walked away

the best years of my life......honestly

heres your warning.....

and I dont sleep......its been this way since the door behind her closed
its more like I fall exhausted in a haze
and nowadays when i see her she has no face to me...
I have stopped looking deeper
looking for something
so its weird...
she has no face
nothing to adore
and she is skin and bones
whithered by the burden of love i suppose
new love
adoring love
bullshit love that is fleeting
give me the cynical kind any day
just tell me your name and that you will be breaking my heart
so i am prepared
on second thought there is no fun in that
I like the knife in the back
I just hate the hack that wields the tool


"tell me tell me what your after....
I just wanna get there faster..."

Incomplete from July 06

"before you put my body in the cold ground....

take some time to warm it with your hands...."



This Year

This is the year my flesh is ripped from my bones

I lay down to the world and confess

That my grief is real

This is the year my hands wipe my face clean of lines

And lies and lives

And I relinquish this power I have

This is the year that I see the ghost in my kitchen

And ask if my sins are repaired

Only to hear a hollowed reply

”I am not real, you saw nothing”

This year travels in me like thick iron syrup

Promised to cleanse but only makes me foggy

And I know I wake up to find

Another year I lost

This year I wait for stick figured doe-eyed men

To cross the stars and land before my temples

The ones next to my eyes

So ripe for gouging

This year I will depend

On little tiny hands to hold my heart

And keep it warm

Hands wrinkled by long

Luke warm bath water

But they were big strong hands

This year I will survive

On top of crackling leaves

Like Live Oak skies that smile

on young men not yet burdened

burdened by coarse worlds

and cursed words

Kumbaya motherfucker

This year winter will last but for a blink

We hope

We hope

And Christmas is rebirth for the spirits

Just like summer sucks

Our bones dry of marrow

Seasons all consuming

But not this year

We hope

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

when the sun shines in this room....the son shines in this room

I wish Gavin were here tonight
nighttime is the worst
the silence is deafening in this house
it makes me sick of breathing
because thats the only sound I hear
but if my son were with me....
I could hear his sleepy breaths
and I wouldnt feel impossibly alone
and maybe thats all I lack
not arms that lay under my head till morning
just him
his room is so emptied
I mean its cluttered and messy like a four year old's room
but he is not here
and Thursday MY father will be here
in HIS sons cluttered and messy house
emptied as ever
empty as fuck



Wednesday, December 12, 2007

What lips these lips have kissed and where and why...part one

It was very long ago.
A love that grew out of resentment for those who trampled on our hearts
and she vowed no emotions for the new year
but she let one slip
and the union held steady
our union excellent and punk
our names synonymous the way I have chased ever since
and in our youth we lived out our scorched earth policy
I burning the bridges of my family as Nero serenaded me on mother's day
and her casting long shadows for me to bathe and sleep in
covering me with her future
yea we were a team.....
and then she took off her ring
she took it off
Toby Tyler...your table is ready......
but she had to
I couldn't hold her back...her future became so huge!
how can a tragic hero like myself compete
with the blow,the pills,the yak..the herb.
"I am just in it for the ride"
she said as her nails were as jaded as her words
see she was so precise with that nail file
and I imagined how precise she was while cutting lines with the same
vanity(and the same fingers and ragged nails)
she read like a book to me
she was cut from me
and when it was time to say goodbye and off to New York New York big city of dreams
this little piggy stayed home
and cried in the front seat of his hyundai
dried my eyes and drove off from in front of her house
knowing my world turned
but who was I to make her stay
13 years gone and I wouldn't have it any other way
my LOVE is capitol even more today
see its cosmic and mere humans cant touch it
jealous asses
we are without each other
each others arms and kisses and blah fuck blah
but to have this bond is what old codgers stay together for
hoping to wake up one day and look at the
person that slumbers beside them and realize
today is the day she will understand me


Look Closer......

Its beautiful really.
the human capability to grab at anything when we fall
no matter how high you fall from.....your hands will pull at the open air
the same air that will escape your lungs in 6 seconds
when we really should have started reaching long before we knew the ledge
but most of the time no one sees us falling
its beautiful really
and right before our eyes
reality lives with ghosts
its the string that they dangle in front of us
the chill up our spine
its beautiful......I swear
squint those eyes of yours just once and see

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Manic compression

So this is whats in store
in doesn't hurt to try
there is no pain in death
it only hurts to die.....

She said I looked awesome
such a little compliment from a big voice
she stole me away and I don't think I ever got my full self back!
Her and that damn city of hers.
and a timely message for today
when i find out some people get what I deserve
but the buddha says.....
the buddha lies on his side and says nothing
except shhhhh...quiet that incessant bitching




Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Circling the wagons

One of us equals many of us
Disrespect one of us
you'll see plenty of us


Thats how its always been
at least for me
All I have had to make was one phone call
my friends
my brothers grin for nights like these
go ahead
ruin your night
and sometimes cosmically
a phone call wasnt necessary
once I walked drenched in the rain down broadway
after being dismissed from campus and almost arrested
crying bawling my eyes out
hopelessly
and who rolls up
my boy in the hyundai
with open arms and words of encouragement
I stand here today because of that
and the many other days my brothers have held my head or rode in ambulances or came by in the dead of night so I wouldnt be dead by morning
so go ahead and make me open my quiver
because next to my son is my friends
and no one female has ever gotten between that
no matter how much we have accepted her into the boys club
for the sake of our equals happiness
dont ruin your night

the church back door was open and I said
"we can go right now bro.....we can just go skate....its your choice"
man we shouldve skated that day!!!



Make bright the arrows

Gather the shields:
Conquest narrows
The peaceful fields.

Stock well the quiver
With arrows bright:
The bowman feared
Need never fight.

Make bright the arrows,
O peaceful and wise!
Gather the shields
Against surprise.

E.st.V.Millay




Friday, November 30, 2007

Breathing like the drowning man.......

Last night something strange...a dream
unexpected and totally took me by surprise
I dreamed of reconciliation
we talked about it while we were in the throws of passion
well not really the throws
more like we were grudge fucking
or about to
and then we said how is this gonna work
"I have the apartment and I am on the lease..."she said
as i bit at her bra
it was red checkered like a picnic tablecloth
and I assured her we would work it out
all the details and I felt her lips almost real like in my dream
smoke and mirrors that is often accompanied in dreams
I could feel her hand touching me
her hand.....her touch....

W T F

I never dreamt about her before
not in this compacity and definitely not after the split
but there she was in my head and in my bed
resolving things the way we always did
fucking the problems away
and always for that brief time we were intimate it felt like we could actually work
but the high of post coital stillness would wear off and we would come back to reality
she knows what she means to me physically
the embodiment of what I want and she knows the inner workings of my passion
its overwhelming and I understand now why that was the first thing to go
the sex that is
maybe it would have pulled us back into our continued spiral of unhappiness
but I admit it felt good to be in the throws for just that brief moment in my dream
and then she called and I heard her voice this morning......
and was reminded why our lives are the way they are now
seperate.
and thats better than any grudge fuck we could ever have
or ever did



Thursday, November 29, 2007

Listen to this when you want to feel better than everyone else...

"... reports of lover's tryst....we're neither clear nor discript...."

And it was a tryst.
in another time when it was fruitful and decadent at the same time.we knew it would happen.
well, I was hoping.
it wasnt physical at first.It was an intriguing attraction to our similarities.
but then there was the way she would greet me.with a hug that held a hidden message.
I would watch her face when I she thought I wasnt looking.when she would laugh at me.
we would argue like a couple.
a couple of firecrackers.
so it was only inevitable that we shared a kiss.
only inevitable but not only a kiss.
a tryst.
like butterflies right before lips hit lips

"By then it's you I can do without..there's nothing new to talk about.."

and I hold that to be the last time anything was real and close to me.honestly living out a mistruth for so long can open your eyes to the obvious
but we were never obvious.
secret keepers.
it's what I want.It's what I wait for.
I cannot recall the last time I saw her in person.wait. a fleeting visit years ago.
but I remember every moment that sparked between us and laughed and argued.
the salad days of my love life.better yet a renaissance and regurgitation of a youthful exuberance when I was admired for my core.
I can see us together.I always have.
that click
clique. our own clique.
just her and I.
she made me feel I could take on the world.
she has that beauty that made me imagine my name and hers synonymous.
never one without the other.

"When the shadows washed away
I was painting larger ones
Larger than the canvases
The canvases I can't believe

And I can't understand when things turned gray
I'm not who I was in the morning
And there's a million reasons that I'd like you to stay
Tried to utter the words while you're falling

I run out the bedroom
Cause I can't really breathe
A recurrent fear of being tied down
And I would like to blame it on the artist in me
But there's no one there, so that's bullshit

I'm going through girls
And pushing through crowds
And she knows I'm looking for her
And I'm going through hell
Through the darkest sides of myself

I only want what I can't have


Run ahead
Don't wait up
Just run ahead
Don't wait up cause I'll follow you there
Follow you there
I'll follow you there
Follow the ocean
Follow you there
Follow the ocean
The road's not far way


I only want
I only want her today
I only want what I can't have
I only, I only want her today

I only want what I can't have


I remember driving to work singing that at the top of my lungs.
excited to spend time with her and the nervousness of what we might do afterwards.
well now it is afterwards
a long time afterwards
an i still think of what we will do
That's love as I remember it to be

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Hey Blue...oh your love is strange.....

looking is exhausting and settling is defeating and love is for suckers who "fall for the banana in the tailpipe"and whispers are always words that they want you to "accidentally "hear and take in your heart to keep because no one likes to be forgotten or gotten over on but we cant help it that our brain never shuts off and all this physicality seems so plastic like a contrived dance we all know and hate but we do it anyway like maybe this time this one; maybe this time this one
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes
i see myself in pictures but its blurry where the girl goes

Saturday, November 24, 2007

...The less I care about how much further away I get..

I think we learn to lie at an early age and it just grows with us.Some people have perfected this talent.

I told you you would break my heart.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Jankey November

My Son
My Friends
My Sneakers
My Tattoos

Everything else can S a PP.

All this wind is drudging up old wounds and leaves and sticks are getting stuck inside.........The question is to whether cut the extremities off and bleed out...or spend time picking each twig and nuisance out of the gore.I am sleepy for the next round......

I cant wait till it hurts so much its unbearable and she will cry and cry and cry but that is a dream world because LOVERS like her were not born with the compacityto feel let alone cry in remorse....

Thursday, November 15, 2007

the further I get ....from the things that I care about....

A wise man once said"well..dude...there you have it"
Thats true right about now...what has to change without having everything change?
I want constant
I want consistence
Like I dont have enough damage control to do


MEH.



Colonial Gothic....

Thats the look we have decided to go for when remodeling the house which has now been dubbed the wolf den. you know very Anne Rice/lestat.If you have any suggestions please sling them my way.
On another note...how easy is it that the world goes away so quickly....

Sunday, November 11, 2007

My Dwelling

This house is quiet.
Defeated.I imagine it knows
I imagine it had dashing hopes as all dwellings do
Hopes of sustaining life and holding a family
Season after season
If it only knew
It takes more than a house to hold a family
Together


First night.

Friday, November 9, 2007

No matter where you are...I can still hear you when you drown...

So this is the weekend.Its like Christmas.I anticipate coming home to an empty house.
A rebirth...I just want to steer it in the right direction.
Having my words move people is overwhelming.Its me with my keyboard and my thoughts.I am humbled by the fact that something I have felt has helped ease the pain of my family..the people that are so much bigger than me.
It also makes my little mamby pamby problems seem......mamby pamby.It definitely puts a different perspective on things...which is a gift.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Shine on you crazy diamond.......

Im floored.
The festivities loom in midst of tragedy.To lose a loved one unexpectedly is perhaps the worst pain a person can deal with.But to see the backbone of my family being crushed with such crisis is very disconcerting.I want to heal them all and take the pain away like its my duty.I have lost a mentor of sorts.A true optimist that helped me be confident in my awkward years.And his heart was tremendous.It is my belief that the changes he made later on in his life have afforded him wonderful karma and I know he will be around me all the time.
Cousin Doug..you will be missed..your spirit could move mountains as it has moved me.Rock on.........We love you.Thanks for making me cool.

Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of angels send thee to thy rest

Sunday, October 28, 2007

46.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot....

I feel like a statistic.Around the family.All have had their ups and downs in their relationships but stuck together (with the obvious exceptions that hit close to home).
But it sends me to that out of place feeling.How I failed yet again at a relationship.I seem to have a lot of experience with that.
But the family is awesome.they kick my ass when I am in need of an ass kicking.I wish they thought more highly of themselves and of our family like I do.Those were my heroes in that house...my aunts and uncles...and mom and sister and cousins..and son.Always has been since I was 5.Heroes because I loked up to them then and heroes because they have relationships which at this moment seem to elude me......

Sunday, October 21, 2007

"Thanks for calling the worlds greatest journeys....."

An old friend and confidant called.
He had heard what happened between her and I.
And I am sharing this because I feel the need to be openly honest to myself.
He said,"Bro you guys were never in love.You cared for one another but you weren't in love.Now here is your chance to maybe meet someone and ahve a chance to feel what you didnt feel with her."
Man........straight out with it why dont ya!!!!that wasnt anything that we didnt say to each other tho the night we decided to split.It just took a while before it sank in.It felt good to hear it from an outsider though.
In five years there must have been some tingles in there and I KNOW that there were,but....it just wasn't there enough.
I am coming to terms with where I fit in her life and I just have to deal with it.I cant fight it.
Personally I know that I might have said things aloud that I might have regretted but i have kept it all here to reflect on.I explained to a coworker how I am very cautious and aware not to put myself too close to anything that I could turn to to hurt me.I guess I was wise to pass on that gun permit...just kidding....but you know what I mean....
I have great friends and a chance at a new beginning.....thats all I need.
Loneliness sucks but whatevs.
Thanks so much for all the support and that only gives me more reason to lift my head up...so I can be here for all my friends when they need me like I need them now.
I will be here.Peace

Friday, October 19, 2007

If you're gonna play in Texas

I had the chance to go out the other night and needless to say I had some fun.I mean it was a countrybar but it was supposed to be "college" nite.So i figured I wouldnt have to hear too much country music.


I was wrong.
First of all I never knew how many mooks and douchebags knew how to Texas two step.I tried and its too simple for my complicated dancers mind...just kidding.....I just dont get it and I am upset that the douche mcgillacutty's there knew how to do it.

The Best part of the night was when the country band played purple rain and KILLED IT!!!!It was awesome.....I never had soooo much fun dancing to a country band playing prince....but then again I never had sooo much to drink too!!!!!!I was shitty....fun times were had.....and I needed a nite to get out of the house.....

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Cure All

one word...........motorcycle.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

and this apartment is starving for an argument.......

Ok so I know I might have hit an all time EMO low quoting dashboard,but jeez to live in the same house with someone and not speak to one another is a lower form of hell.


and she giggles on the phone......and I writhe in my seat.
new life new life new life...careful what you wish for
No one should ever feel like this.
It is mostly karma I am sure of it.
And all the promises in my head that get broken one after another as today turns into sunday......
what she said she wont do
she already has
thats a record
in a weird way I guess it was meant to be this way...we just dragged our feet
so long and pretended so well and thats why this is harder.
but not for her.
this is sunday for her.
I am jealous.
why am I not giggling on the phone?
why am I not smitten by lost love?
boofuckinhooo
I just wish we would talk you know?like normal people.like angry people.like most people.
more than that I wish WE could giggle.........


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Possession

No its not what you think.It is another issue which I never realized I would have to deal with in a break up of this magnitude.It is the question of who gets the condoms?I mean really.They are mutually "ours" but who has the rights to keep them in their possession. In her defense I think since she has already moved on into another relationship,that gives her somewhat more rights than I.

But I have needs too!So this debate raged and we came to the conclusion to split them.we had 9 remaining and she got 4 and I got 5.I guess just in case I go on a terror or something.
So after a year or so of not going to the therapist,I went today and was welcomed with open arms.I think everyone should go to therapy.You learn a great deal about your parents mistakes.I also got tattooed today and that too is somewhat therapeutic.
Less than a month but not any sooner.It is still hard to look at her especially now since she has painted that new love smile on her face.


They way she talks about him
She NEVER talked about me like that. I will take that as a sign.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

By the way

Octobers DO suck and its only the ninth.Tomorrow begins the countdown of her moving out.November 10th......If I could just sleep until then ......and believe me Im gonna try!!!!!!!!


Just to stay numb......thanks for all the support.....

all the wrong reasons

There is someone else.
Not for me.
But her.
Honest?



Relief.




Monday, October 8, 2007

HOME


Tonight I just wanna go home....You know..where you belong...and laugh...

My son.My beautiful son.


Thats home.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

The Art of Envoking Spirits

I had no idea that my writing of this blog would so quickly conjure up mixed feelings.To me that is success.If I leave anyone emotionally disquieted then I gained a little something.These are my words.Many moons ago i wrote and I wrote.the words I chose just came to me in a very stream of consciousness.So being a writer at heart i hesitate to change them.With all do respect of anyone that has effected me in my life I will do my best to curtail my subject matter to only what pertains to whats inside here.But I do wish to thank everyone who has read and responded whether it be good or bad because like I said I managed to envoke some kind of emotion.I live with ghosts now as I have before but these ghosts are biggger.The love was bigger.My son's face reflects that love.The absolute that was between us.I can only be thankful for that and help give her the life she deserves.Without bullshit and baggage but with encouragement.I lament lately the fact that without her,I dont have her family which hurts as well.who else would take a liking to an outsider like me.For that and for all the love that they shared for me and my family over the years and the support they gave us with Gavin and everything else I cant thank them enough.I dont want my words to be misconstrued. This place is dark and sometimes it grows darker but the hope of my beautiful son and wonderful friends helps me wake up in the morning.
Again,I am thankful of my willingness to bare everything...i mean i dont hold back when it comes to my personal struggles...and hopefully it can give the many wonderful people i have met throughout my life a little insight to what was inside...that way theres very little questions.
As I said before you can choose to read but I dont really have a gun to anyones head...but to evoke emotion be it good or bad...thats the real gift.

Friday, October 5, 2007

I miss the kiss of treachery

My instincts are most of the time right....lets let this storm come and wash everything away.....I thought about my body just being a vessel but i dont think they feed dead carcass to hungry birds.instead burn me.no burial.I am not of this earth and I know that there are worse things that could happen but i really dont wanna stick around to feel them too.my son as the pinaccle of life and he shines in every room he is in.so many peole will take care of him and tell him how his father was art faggy and destined to die by the hands of his own.Lori pulls me to the core.to look at at her is like lookin at a a scrap book.her laugh was the biggest in the theatre,she really is low maintainence.I guess i just didnt do the dishes enough.so to end all confusion I believe that was the demise of everything.I live the world with my heart..everyone I have touched...If i wake up tomorrow feel free to call me a pussy.....I can take it.....but I just doesnt know where to go from here.O will probably wake up and tetter on the edge o suicide and wake up and realize I am too wuss to take that one more pill.Perry ferrel once said"what could kill me"I am starting to believe that

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I can feel the storm coming

You know that weird feeling when everything is "o.k." but you feel that something tragic is about to happen?I have felt that all day.After waking up from my night of"beer drankin"(I had 5...whooo)I blurred thru the day until I went to work at the tattoo.I have just felt like I am in a haze or something.Like I have nothing to give the world.I am not comfortable with that feeling.
we are cordial around the house but I know the weekend is coming and she is going to probably go out and blah blah blah...I shouldnt care what she does but i do.Its natural.I think I should find something to do.Make plans or something but what to do.........I shall reflect...........

Blotto

So you know me right?well if you do you know I cant drink for shit.I am a super lightweight.Anyway after work Shorty called and said to come over and"bring some beers".After a quick trip to Steve's house for some motorcycle related muckity muck, we went back to his house and did what real men do and "drank some beers".

I cant drink alot.I had maybe 5 beers and I was obliterated.In the middle of my 2nd brewski I had remembered that I had taken my klonapen a few hours before.........
So the last thing I remember Shorty AND Steve were tucking me in bed in shorty's spare bedroom which is somewhat creepy because that wife of his has a doll collection.
Around 7:30 Lori called me just to see where I was at and for like 2 seconds....I honestly didnt know.Now I understand this is a common occurance to those that drink alot but for me it was freaky.
Good night though,stress free I had the opportunity for more insight from my bastard brothers.If there is a lesson to be learned I guess its that I have to build up my tolerance level if Im gonna get blotto........

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Criss Cross Apple Sauce

I was nothing but tired all day today.Still numb.....
I guess thats better than being spastic.She is out of the house tonight which is what I needed.I need to learn not to be so dependent on her approval of who i am.Of course we had the awkward 20 some odd minutes i which she was in the house getting ready.Making herself beautiful even tho she would say she was dressing down.I dont agree naturally.but it was a mature 20 minutes I didnt give her the third degree about whos or what she would be doing.I have to slowly make myself not care so much about her life yet still care about her well being...its a delicate balance.To love someone but not be in love .I cant think of a more uncomfortable position to be in at this point.I have joked all this time about finding a rebound girl and what not but the reality of havin someone NEW in my life turns my stomach.She would have to learn from the ground up and whats sad is I can hear her(random new girl)try to explain to her girlfriends"yeah and like,he has shoes.NO.like ALOT of shoes."I mean thats not an easy sell you know!!!But starting over is like the furthest thing from me.I want to wallow in this.I want to bathe in this and feel it from the top of my head all the way to the center of the earth.I guess you can say its the most life changing event since Gavin decided to come into my world and wreck shop!!!And he is well.So smart and in Pre K.I am thankful for the teachers he has because the work they do; it is amazing.Just three weeks ago he was counting 1,2,5,7,11.....now he can recite alphabets and his manners and behavior have improved.I think those teachers are nothing to mess with..they do a great job and also knowing insight into what kind of personal strife they might be going through they still wake up and make sure me son knows criss cross apple sauce. So much respect due to them.
So lets see...focusing on fixing me....remember the meds......Take care of Gavin...let Lori breathe.....some where along there I need to remember to smile and make the world laugh.Dont worry.I will try not to let you down

Monday, October 1, 2007

This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue

I am fine when I am away from her.I am even better when I am with my friends.

My beloved friends.

They always no what to say and steer me in the right direction.In the past I havent always listened to them but they always turned out to be right.
Saved my life a couple times.Literally.And they are still doing it today.
I was gonna blog about how miserable I am always around this time.How all my break ups have been around October and its true.But after spending an hour with my closest friends I realized that its not so much about that.I just have to remember to focus on my life and not hers. I need to try to pick up where I left off before I met her.I mean all this emotionally not in way that takes away any importance of my beautiful son.
havin her still in the house for a month its hard.It was suggested that everytime I have an urge to wax nostalgic(I love that term)about having sex with her to just remember something negative or a time when she was mean.I hope that works because I have month to deal with this.
So in a way my friends saved me once again and also saved you having to read about how one time I almost overdosed on cold medicine and phen phen(rememeber phen phen?)All in the name of October...

Tragedy is the Traintracks behind my house

I wrote a poem Years ago with that title...I wrote after ingesting 22 Depacote.Upon waking up the next morning I realized with great disappointment that I did not die or pass on or have a transcendental epiphany.Only that I had the worst headache and I was late for work.

SHIT.work.
So i got up and went about my day and didnt tell a soul about that night until I found that poem I had written before my slumber.
I suppose this is the same kind of situation only there arent THAT many pills.
Let first off lay this disclaimer that I did not make you read this.This is mine to share...you dont want your piece of it cool....turn back now for I know not what direction this shall go.
Recently my fiance' and mother of my beautiful son and I have decided to go separate ways.It is somewhat mutual but that doesnt make it less brutal on the soul.
So what I wanted to do was keep a living breathing journal of where I am and where it will take me.I have kept somewhat the same style break up journals before but never for people to read so this will be quite weird but hope insightful.I hope I go up and have wonderful days but then again I hope for that tragedy that comes with the lows.
I want to feel this so openly like loud trains that blast past my house till this day. I wanna live and die and live and die and get so emotard that you will hate it but you will have to read it just to see how it ends or begins again.
because I am very good at beginning again .lets just see if I am as good a finisher.....