I'm not there......

when all I want is to talk to someone
and all I miss is to be wanted
to know someone walks this earth
with me on their tongue
and she tells her friends of this guy she met
me
and I can be awakened by phone calls are anything else
normal suckers do.

It's lonely
yeah
but I can not pull the strength out of me to be myself
these days I am exhausted all the time
it helps to be so tired
I do not expel energy on over thinking and trying to sell myself to someone
at the same time I dont think I have the energy to like who I am though
small price to pay I suppose....
better than waisting my time missing love that never existed...

The party goes on....

from one world to another....
a completely different world
yet familiar
learning to enjoy it is the key
and the feeling of not needing
is a good one
work in progress
and the party goes on....

Legend

This is who I am
This is who I have ALWAYS been

I have always felt this way
better than not feeling at all.....

35 years and I am not changing
I cannot tell you I will wake up tomorrow and want to finish the day on my feet
or on my back
and I'm a million different people from one day to the next
So either accept me as this or not
I am not going to change
I am going to keep this earth on the edge of its seat
Until the day I die

I find it kinda funny and I find it kinda sad

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday,Happy birthday
and I feel the way that every child should
sit and listen,sit and listen......

Today Gavin turned Five
Five years old
my little man
he hates being called a little man though
he thinks it means dwarf
and that always makes me laugh

The birthday party
he was the only one there I was related to
and the only one I could relate to
so surreal
seeing his other side of the family
their support is a relief
they might not be happy with me but they love my son
thats all that matters

Now then
I forgot how it felt to be disposable
that is what I am
to be replaced by the whole world by another
person or idea or trainwreck
its lonely everywhere
thats the problem....

I dont know how to feel
I ALWAYS know how to feel
but now....
I dont......

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I ever had.....


Happy birthday my baby boy.......Happy birthday