all the super much...

I always saw babies as babies
little swaddled people full of intimidation
ready to test your worthiness of their presence
and then I had a baby
and I was worthy
and passed with flying colors
and I AM STILL worthy
but these arms rest silent and empty
yet still ready.....
baby G would cry like the world was wrong
until daddy would convince him to give it a chance
it really isnt so bad.....
....be the change you wish to see in the world....
then he would fall asleep(only after much coaxing and patting)
and I felt accomplished
I did my part to make his world better
I miss those times
I want those times
It really is something I am good at
and its a lot healthier
than living with your head in the oven....
I want to stick around to see how good my world can actually get
weathering the storms and proving my strengths

and maybe
just maybe
put a little one to sleep again.

"How much do you love me?"-n

"all the SUPER much !"-G

My heart shines from the sorrow......

I believe I need to be saved from this...
but I know
I will not be
It is my course
as it always has been
and my heart shines from the sorrow

Love Prevails

Or does it?

like all things

fleeting

and happiness seems to flee the fastest

but despair?

oh despair loves to camp out...

so it seems

only once my head was clear.....

"did I feel safe dying right here."

and a void resides now inside me
and I cannot fill it with scripts of any sort
this road that lies dusty in front of me
not a road at all
no path
but there is silence
the disturbing kind
and behind the door of my room
I cry to no one
no one likes emotion anymore
I guess it's not cool
it never was
I never was
and I just realized
how far away my son is
and how easily it is for me to drift further

" I feel almost human,numb....."

but I want you to know that I am holding on...
I am holding on
for the simple reason of vanity
this planet without me seems like a boring place to breathe

I just wanna get this over with
and feel better
I just want to know what it is like
to be right

"never thought I'd see the day,when everything goes my way.."

Envelopes

Today.
I was told that Gavin will be moving this weekend.
A lot Sooner than expected.
I am struggling to not be crushed.
To be strong for my little man(don't call him little man....)
But I did cry.
And Gavin said...
"Daddy will you send me envelopes?"
"Like we can have fun?"
I couldn't help but cry some more
And then I put back on my brave face
To face the world
This duality is wearing thin
Finally.
If I did not know how to collapse
I don't know what I would do
How did it come to this
After all the light I try to bring
After all the cautiousness
I am still left feeling like a shell
A reminder of who I could have been
And all who I have let down
I wonder how long hope can stick around
Before it starts to feel more like dispair
Feels like hope is at 11:59........

This is never what I wanted
but it's always what I get....

Thinking of a master plan

I can try to be poetic and a total artfag about this but why bother
It is so hard to talk about this without romanticizing the subject
but I guess that's what I am good at
besides it makes the pill a little less hard to swallow

Twenty years ago today, March 28, 1988, was the first time I had ever attempted to harm myself in a physical manner.
I will never forget it.

An anniversary.
I was 15 years old. Awkward but I still seemed to have some great friends.
And I had a girl.
isn't it always a girl?
Up until that day I HAD a girl.
My heart shattered when she left me.
as it always is when you are 15 and awkward
I walked inside my house.
Mom asked me what was wrong
she always knew.....even states away..still
I showed her the chain which was returned to me at lunch
she asked if I was ok and I said yes
I walked in my room
and sat down on my bed.
my waterbed that is...it was after all 1988
a year after I discovered paid in full and license to ill
it was a good year thus far
but I sat down on my waterbed and could not possibly find a way for my young mind to comprehend the fact that I had lost what I thought was my whole entire world
sheesh
if it was all that simple now
I remembered I wept deeply
from my duende Ami would say
and I could not stop
and then anger appeared in my room
I had an 8x10 picture frame that I think used to have a picture of either
Madonna or Cyndi Lauper
it was 1988 after all
A year before I would hear Perry Farrel for the first time
I sat on the edge of my waterbed
and placed the frame to my head
and in the next instant I smashed it against my head
confusion and anger and frustration had built up inside me
and now it was all running down my face in steady streams of crimson
I remember the only thing I could say over and over
in a voice so quiet I don't even think it came out
was "mom....mom...mom"
my sister was sent in my room to see what had broke
the noise of the shattered glass had alerted my mom
giving my sister
10 years old at the time
the task of finding her older brother
bleeding profusely from his head
in the instant she opened my bedroom door
our relationship shattered like that picture frame
I was painted as weak and unstable
and still remain that way in her eyes
like I never had a chance to be the big brother
my dad who worked 23 hours a day it seemed like was called home from work
it was serious I thought
after the trip to the E.R
and after the 2 butterfly band aids were slapped on my head
he came in my room
and asked if I was ok
the most love I would ever notice from him
but now I know it didn't take such a selfish act to see it
my mom tried to pass it off as an accident
everyone knew that was horseshit
so.....
why why why....huh...huh..huh
I know one thing
I did not want to die that day
that is some other level bullshit I was not quite ready for
I just wanted that pain and heartache out of my body
but scarring my head that day
wasn't even painful
I didn't feel that glass cut me open
except when I crawled in to bed that night and a shard cut my foot.....
I was 15 and.....
15 sucks
so 20 years down the line....
that day is still significant
the day depression said"Hey how's it goin...I am gonna fuck some shit up in your life for a while so......just wanted you to know...."
and after all these years
and all the heartache
and all the pills
that day stands out
more than any other day
I can say I do not regret that day
20 years ago
or my actions
it made me who I am
and taught me to embrace whatever feeling I had
whether it cut me up or made me fly
since that day that is how I have chose to be
I want to hurt to the core if I am in pain
if I am in love I want it to rattle my bones with butterflies
that was 20 years ago and sometimes
I feel like I am still that 15 year old awkward kid
only with more scars and tattoos
and stories that go back to '88
that will help my son
hopefully
not have a March like I did



Out of all the stories I have told about my life
and all the experiences I have had
I have referred to and been inspired by this one the most
even unknowingly repeating it in therapy twice
like a dumbass I might add
and I am sure I could have gone in to more detail about that day here
but I will save that for the next time I decide to rehash March 28,1988
Oh and don't think I won't!!!!

oh and for reassurance.......that WAS twenty years ago
and I still walk this planet
a testament to perseverance
A true heritage of excellence

"It aint nothing but sweat inside my hand....."

a few hours after this......

"The look before I go is the look for you
you only have to look and it will all come true..."

All mine and forever
Thats all I wanted when I was 16
My year of reckoning
and wrecking(!)
my first taste of lust
and allurement
made me crazy
made me lie in bed on sunday nights before school the next day
content
that I would see my love
love love love
it's who you know
but I grew older and my heart cracked and clogged
and love stopped beating in it
and it wasn't replaced by anything
it's just not there I don't think
and I don't have the want to analyze why
I am thankful to have those memories of high school attraction
to fall back on
in these barren times

"...and we can fall outside
into the fizzy night
or pull me down in here
you know it's all the same
I only want to see if you were happy again
or we can roll around
and find out upside down

a few hours after this and we're apart again
like two white checks and others who pose in a secret game
nothing like these I suppose
I really should have known by the cut of your smile
that the answer would be simple
it still took you a while
to get it out of me
I thought you'd do it easily...."

It's weird to come to terms with the fact that I don't want the same things
as I did so long ago
and I do not feel like I am missing out

but brief moments when my eyes have caught another
were spectacular
had they been any longer than a candle flicker
they would not have meant so much
this has happened through the years
and I have hope that maybe I can feel that again
thats all thats necessary
the thrill of the pursuit
those "secret games"
a glance in a room
at a party
a smile
and I am content

The Cure B-sides saved my young life.....

If I could have two things in one....

So it is silence that should be practiced
we over think
and then we over talk
but we get it out
all out
from our lungs
I guess it is healthy
But so much damage is done
An excuse to vent
but what remains after
we do not retain the capacity to clean up
what remains after
nor do we possess the ability to see
such damage
I prefer not to speak
or refrain when I can
so much weight in the words I would say
The fruit of peace is silence
To untangle this web we weave
or to live in it
I choose not to acknowledge
There is no web
Just silence
I guess some lessons
are harder to learn
for others

"The peace of the grave and the light of the sun
my hand stretched across my thin breast bone
but aware of the mass invading the stone"

There are over 100 references to blood....

I have been thinking a lot lately about the Scottish play
and that time in my life
and I am surprised I haven't mentioned it before yet
of all the Shakespearean allusions
and not one thus far
but its like a cozy blanket I have been sleeping under
lately
the words play in my head at random times
"sound and fury..."
my ears are always flooded these days
loud and distracting it is
but I center myself and remember those days.....

"out out brief candle..."

out out indeed

I forgot how comforting those dark words became
and so this begins

Escaping the Ides....

Far Greater men than I have dared
to navigate an existence far from the trapsings.
And distanced from the noise and commotion of underlings,
I have believed(even for split seconds)
that I have harnessed silence
that I have conquered despair with bigger-than-my-heart strength
that I have lived only for the benefit of other smiles
that my head has laid at night in complete slumber
under stars overseen be almond eyed men
that oneness is distance but remains distant (therefore unattainable)
That I maintain an impenetrable holding pattern
around these worlds
but belief
in all its comfort
is subjective
as is all the years that have left me
like rings to a mighty oak
never escaping the Ides either
left with nothing but the want of next year
but all our yesterdays are now dimly lit
no hindsight to obtain for fools
but how the cup of dusty death runs over
I drink from that cup in celebration
of one more Ides drawn down
the taste as sweet as solace
in a toast to fallen Ceasar
I too love treason
but hate a traitor

measure for measure

What's this? what's this? is this her fault or mine?

The tempter, or the tempted, who sins most?

Ha!

Not she, nor doth she tempt; but it is I

That, lying by the violet in the sun,

Do as the carrion does, not as the flower,

Corrupt with virtuous season. Can it be

That modesty may more betray our sense

Than woman's lightness?

-Act II Scene II

March.I never counted on.....March.

I'm not there......

when all I want is to talk to someone
and all I miss is to be wanted
to know someone walks this earth
with me on their tongue
and she tells her friends of this guy she met
me
and I can be awakened by phone calls are anything else
normal suckers do.

It's lonely
yeah
but I can not pull the strength out of me to be myself
these days I am exhausted all the time
it helps to be so tired
I do not expel energy on over thinking and trying to sell myself to someone
at the same time I dont think I have the energy to like who I am though
small price to pay I suppose....
better than waisting my time missing love that never existed...

The party goes on....

from one world to another....
a completely different world
yet familiar
learning to enjoy it is the key
and the feeling of not needing
is a good one
work in progress
and the party goes on....

Legend

This is who I am
This is who I have ALWAYS been

I have always felt this way
better than not feeling at all.....

35 years and I am not changing
I cannot tell you I will wake up tomorrow and want to finish the day on my feet
or on my back
and I'm a million different people from one day to the next
So either accept me as this or not
I am not going to change
I am going to keep this earth on the edge of its seat
Until the day I die

I find it kinda funny and I find it kinda sad

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday,Happy birthday
and I feel the way that every child should
sit and listen,sit and listen......

Today Gavin turned Five
Five years old
my little man
he hates being called a little man though
he thinks it means dwarf
and that always makes me laugh

The birthday party
he was the only one there I was related to
and the only one I could relate to
so surreal
seeing his other side of the family
their support is a relief
they might not be happy with me but they love my son
thats all that matters

Now then
I forgot how it felt to be disposable
that is what I am
to be replaced by the whole world by another
person or idea or trainwreck
its lonely everywhere
thats the problem....

I dont know how to feel
I ALWAYS know how to feel
but now....
I dont......

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I ever had.....


Happy birthday my baby boy.......Happy birthday

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

I have been sick.
Food poisoning.
Its like a plastic film all over my body
and I cant move as fast as I want to
life doesnt move as fast as i want it to.


Waiting for February.
Always fucking waiting for something
All for the want of change
and control
I have gotten pulled
this way and that way
I never pulled anyone
just watched them walk out the door
into the arms of the good guy
seems like all of them have
I am a warm up
I am the January
to the next guys February
practice or
what NOT to want
I make that next guy look good for my mistakes

SHE that I have yet to speak of......
off and married happily ever i am sure
Just like the newest
same as the oldest
Loving once is no comfort
I wish I never knew what it was sometimes
"But I love you all",I said.
I scream it.
Reach in this frame.Pull out lust and love and crumble them

Th' expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action, and till action, lust
Is perjur'd, murd'rous, bloody, full of blame,
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust,
Enjoy'd no sooner but despisèd straight,
Past reason hunted, and no sooner had,
Past reason hated as a swallowed bait
On purpose laid to make the taker mad. . . .

"Sonnet 129," 1–8

Thank you Uncle William.

The End of the Affair........

And so ends an era...
I find it somewhat fitting
what with the new year and all
But we all have things that we will forever be associated with
I am proud this is one of them for me
Way back when I first started I found it to be an easy environment for me to be myself
and I thrive in that atmosphere
but as I returned that spirit was gone
I dont know if it was gone from me or from the company
maybe both
but if I cannot be myself
I am less effective
and miserable
so I think its time for me to shine elsewhere
just one more step for me
and so I go....

so long pal.....