I was nothing but tired all day today.Still numb.....I guess thats better than being spastic.She is out of the house tonight which is what I needed.I need to learn not to be so dependent on her approval of who i am.Of course we had the awkward 20 some odd minutes i which she was in the house getting ready.Making herself beautiful even tho she would say she was dressing down.I dont agree naturally.but it was a mature 20 minutes I didnt give her the third degree about whos or what she would be doing.I have to slowly make myself not care so much about her life yet still care about her well being...its a delicate balance.To love someone but not be in love .I cant think of a more uncomfortable position to be in at this point.I have joked all this time about finding a rebound girl and what not but the reality of havin someone NEW in my life turns my stomach.She would have to learn from the ground up and whats sad is I can hear her(random new girl)try to explain to her girlfriends"yeah and like,he has shoes.NO.like ALOT of shoes."I mean thats not an easy sell you know!!!But starting over is like the furthest thing from me.I want to wallow in this.I want to bathe in this and feel it from the top of my head all the way to the center of the earth.I guess you can say its the most life changing event since Gavin decided to come into my world and wreck shop!!!And he is well.So smart and in Pre K.I am thankful for the teachers he has because the work they do; it is amazing.Just three weeks ago he was counting 1,2,5,7,11.....now he can recite alphabets and his manners and behavior have improved.I think those teachers are nothing to mess with..they do a great job and also knowing insight into what kind of personal strife they might be going through they still wake up and make sure me son knows criss cross apple sauce. So much respect due to them.
So lets see...focusing on fixing me....remember the meds......Take care of Gavin...let Lori breathe.....some where along there I need to remember to smile and make the world laugh.Dont worry.I will try not to let you down
2 comments:
man that was beautiful...i feel your pain....seriously.....in reading your words....i totally can relate to the pain...those damn kids are awesome and they make you want live even with all of lifes hurts...i guess in a way they save you....take care
Brenn went thru the same thing you are when he got devorced. Benn was 3.
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