Sunday, October 28, 2007

46.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot....

I feel like a statistic.Around the family.All have had their ups and downs in their relationships but stuck together (with the obvious exceptions that hit close to home).
But it sends me to that out of place feeling.How I failed yet again at a relationship.I seem to have a lot of experience with that.
But the family is awesome.they kick my ass when I am in need of an ass kicking.I wish they thought more highly of themselves and of our family like I do.Those were my heroes in that house...my aunts and uncles...and mom and sister and cousins..and son.Always has been since I was 5.Heroes because I loked up to them then and heroes because they have relationships which at this moment seem to elude me......

Sunday, October 21, 2007

"Thanks for calling the worlds greatest journeys....."

An old friend and confidant called.
He had heard what happened between her and I.
And I am sharing this because I feel the need to be openly honest to myself.
He said,"Bro you guys were never in love.You cared for one another but you weren't in love.Now here is your chance to maybe meet someone and ahve a chance to feel what you didnt feel with her."
Man........straight out with it why dont ya!!!!that wasnt anything that we didnt say to each other tho the night we decided to split.It just took a while before it sank in.It felt good to hear it from an outsider though.
In five years there must have been some tingles in there and I KNOW that there were,but....it just wasn't there enough.
I am coming to terms with where I fit in her life and I just have to deal with it.I cant fight it.
Personally I know that I might have said things aloud that I might have regretted but i have kept it all here to reflect on.I explained to a coworker how I am very cautious and aware not to put myself too close to anything that I could turn to to hurt me.I guess I was wise to pass on that gun permit...just kidding....but you know what I mean....
I have great friends and a chance at a new beginning.....thats all I need.
Loneliness sucks but whatevs.
Thanks so much for all the support and that only gives me more reason to lift my head up...so I can be here for all my friends when they need me like I need them now.
I will be here.Peace

Friday, October 19, 2007

If you're gonna play in Texas

I had the chance to go out the other night and needless to say I had some fun.I mean it was a countrybar but it was supposed to be "college" nite.So i figured I wouldnt have to hear too much country music.


I was wrong.
First of all I never knew how many mooks and douchebags knew how to Texas two step.I tried and its too simple for my complicated dancers mind...just kidding.....I just dont get it and I am upset that the douche mcgillacutty's there knew how to do it.

The Best part of the night was when the country band played purple rain and KILLED IT!!!!It was awesome.....I never had soooo much fun dancing to a country band playing prince....but then again I never had sooo much to drink too!!!!!!I was shitty....fun times were had.....and I needed a nite to get out of the house.....

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Cure All

one word...........motorcycle.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

and this apartment is starving for an argument.......

Ok so I know I might have hit an all time EMO low quoting dashboard,but jeez to live in the same house with someone and not speak to one another is a lower form of hell.


and she giggles on the phone......and I writhe in my seat.
new life new life new life...careful what you wish for
No one should ever feel like this.
It is mostly karma I am sure of it.
And all the promises in my head that get broken one after another as today turns into sunday......
what she said she wont do
she already has
thats a record
in a weird way I guess it was meant to be this way...we just dragged our feet
so long and pretended so well and thats why this is harder.
but not for her.
this is sunday for her.
I am jealous.
why am I not giggling on the phone?
why am I not smitten by lost love?
boofuckinhooo
I just wish we would talk you know?like normal people.like angry people.like most people.
more than that I wish WE could giggle.........


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Possession

No its not what you think.It is another issue which I never realized I would have to deal with in a break up of this magnitude.It is the question of who gets the condoms?I mean really.They are mutually "ours" but who has the rights to keep them in their possession. In her defense I think since she has already moved on into another relationship,that gives her somewhat more rights than I.

But I have needs too!So this debate raged and we came to the conclusion to split them.we had 9 remaining and she got 4 and I got 5.I guess just in case I go on a terror or something.
So after a year or so of not going to the therapist,I went today and was welcomed with open arms.I think everyone should go to therapy.You learn a great deal about your parents mistakes.I also got tattooed today and that too is somewhat therapeutic.
Less than a month but not any sooner.It is still hard to look at her especially now since she has painted that new love smile on her face.


They way she talks about him
She NEVER talked about me like that. I will take that as a sign.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

By the way

Octobers DO suck and its only the ninth.Tomorrow begins the countdown of her moving out.November 10th......If I could just sleep until then ......and believe me Im gonna try!!!!!!!!


Just to stay numb......thanks for all the support.....

all the wrong reasons

There is someone else.
Not for me.
But her.
Honest?



Relief.




Monday, October 8, 2007

HOME


Tonight I just wanna go home....You know..where you belong...and laugh...

My son.My beautiful son.


Thats home.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

The Art of Envoking Spirits

I had no idea that my writing of this blog would so quickly conjure up mixed feelings.To me that is success.If I leave anyone emotionally disquieted then I gained a little something.These are my words.Many moons ago i wrote and I wrote.the words I chose just came to me in a very stream of consciousness.So being a writer at heart i hesitate to change them.With all do respect of anyone that has effected me in my life I will do my best to curtail my subject matter to only what pertains to whats inside here.But I do wish to thank everyone who has read and responded whether it be good or bad because like I said I managed to envoke some kind of emotion.I live with ghosts now as I have before but these ghosts are biggger.The love was bigger.My son's face reflects that love.The absolute that was between us.I can only be thankful for that and help give her the life she deserves.Without bullshit and baggage but with encouragement.I lament lately the fact that without her,I dont have her family which hurts as well.who else would take a liking to an outsider like me.For that and for all the love that they shared for me and my family over the years and the support they gave us with Gavin and everything else I cant thank them enough.I dont want my words to be misconstrued. This place is dark and sometimes it grows darker but the hope of my beautiful son and wonderful friends helps me wake up in the morning.
Again,I am thankful of my willingness to bare everything...i mean i dont hold back when it comes to my personal struggles...and hopefully it can give the many wonderful people i have met throughout my life a little insight to what was inside...that way theres very little questions.
As I said before you can choose to read but I dont really have a gun to anyones head...but to evoke emotion be it good or bad...thats the real gift.

Friday, October 5, 2007

I miss the kiss of treachery

My instincts are most of the time right....lets let this storm come and wash everything away.....I thought about my body just being a vessel but i dont think they feed dead carcass to hungry birds.instead burn me.no burial.I am not of this earth and I know that there are worse things that could happen but i really dont wanna stick around to feel them too.my son as the pinaccle of life and he shines in every room he is in.so many peole will take care of him and tell him how his father was art faggy and destined to die by the hands of his own.Lori pulls me to the core.to look at at her is like lookin at a a scrap book.her laugh was the biggest in the theatre,she really is low maintainence.I guess i just didnt do the dishes enough.so to end all confusion I believe that was the demise of everything.I live the world with my heart..everyone I have touched...If i wake up tomorrow feel free to call me a pussy.....I can take it.....but I just doesnt know where to go from here.O will probably wake up and tetter on the edge o suicide and wake up and realize I am too wuss to take that one more pill.Perry ferrel once said"what could kill me"I am starting to believe that

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I can feel the storm coming

You know that weird feeling when everything is "o.k." but you feel that something tragic is about to happen?I have felt that all day.After waking up from my night of"beer drankin"(I had 5...whooo)I blurred thru the day until I went to work at the tattoo.I have just felt like I am in a haze or something.Like I have nothing to give the world.I am not comfortable with that feeling.
we are cordial around the house but I know the weekend is coming and she is going to probably go out and blah blah blah...I shouldnt care what she does but i do.Its natural.I think I should find something to do.Make plans or something but what to do.........I shall reflect...........

Blotto

So you know me right?well if you do you know I cant drink for shit.I am a super lightweight.Anyway after work Shorty called and said to come over and"bring some beers".After a quick trip to Steve's house for some motorcycle related muckity muck, we went back to his house and did what real men do and "drank some beers".

I cant drink alot.I had maybe 5 beers and I was obliterated.In the middle of my 2nd brewski I had remembered that I had taken my klonapen a few hours before.........
So the last thing I remember Shorty AND Steve were tucking me in bed in shorty's spare bedroom which is somewhat creepy because that wife of his has a doll collection.
Around 7:30 Lori called me just to see where I was at and for like 2 seconds....I honestly didnt know.Now I understand this is a common occurance to those that drink alot but for me it was freaky.
Good night though,stress free I had the opportunity for more insight from my bastard brothers.If there is a lesson to be learned I guess its that I have to build up my tolerance level if Im gonna get blotto........

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Criss Cross Apple Sauce

I was nothing but tired all day today.Still numb.....
I guess thats better than being spastic.She is out of the house tonight which is what I needed.I need to learn not to be so dependent on her approval of who i am.Of course we had the awkward 20 some odd minutes i which she was in the house getting ready.Making herself beautiful even tho she would say she was dressing down.I dont agree naturally.but it was a mature 20 minutes I didnt give her the third degree about whos or what she would be doing.I have to slowly make myself not care so much about her life yet still care about her well being...its a delicate balance.To love someone but not be in love .I cant think of a more uncomfortable position to be in at this point.I have joked all this time about finding a rebound girl and what not but the reality of havin someone NEW in my life turns my stomach.She would have to learn from the ground up and whats sad is I can hear her(random new girl)try to explain to her girlfriends"yeah and like,he has shoes.NO.like ALOT of shoes."I mean thats not an easy sell you know!!!But starting over is like the furthest thing from me.I want to wallow in this.I want to bathe in this and feel it from the top of my head all the way to the center of the earth.I guess you can say its the most life changing event since Gavin decided to come into my world and wreck shop!!!And he is well.So smart and in Pre K.I am thankful for the teachers he has because the work they do; it is amazing.Just three weeks ago he was counting 1,2,5,7,11.....now he can recite alphabets and his manners and behavior have improved.I think those teachers are nothing to mess with..they do a great job and also knowing insight into what kind of personal strife they might be going through they still wake up and make sure me son knows criss cross apple sauce. So much respect due to them.
So lets see...focusing on fixing me....remember the meds......Take care of Gavin...let Lori breathe.....some where along there I need to remember to smile and make the world laugh.Dont worry.I will try not to let you down

Monday, October 1, 2007

This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue

I am fine when I am away from her.I am even better when I am with my friends.

My beloved friends.

They always no what to say and steer me in the right direction.In the past I havent always listened to them but they always turned out to be right.
Saved my life a couple times.Literally.And they are still doing it today.
I was gonna blog about how miserable I am always around this time.How all my break ups have been around October and its true.But after spending an hour with my closest friends I realized that its not so much about that.I just have to remember to focus on my life and not hers. I need to try to pick up where I left off before I met her.I mean all this emotionally not in way that takes away any importance of my beautiful son.
havin her still in the house for a month its hard.It was suggested that everytime I have an urge to wax nostalgic(I love that term)about having sex with her to just remember something negative or a time when she was mean.I hope that works because I have month to deal with this.
So in a way my friends saved me once again and also saved you having to read about how one time I almost overdosed on cold medicine and phen phen(rememeber phen phen?)All in the name of October...

Tragedy is the Traintracks behind my house

I wrote a poem Years ago with that title...I wrote after ingesting 22 Depacote.Upon waking up the next morning I realized with great disappointment that I did not die or pass on or have a transcendental epiphany.Only that I had the worst headache and I was late for work.

SHIT.work.
So i got up and went about my day and didnt tell a soul about that night until I found that poem I had written before my slumber.
I suppose this is the same kind of situation only there arent THAT many pills.
Let first off lay this disclaimer that I did not make you read this.This is mine to share...you dont want your piece of it cool....turn back now for I know not what direction this shall go.
Recently my fiance' and mother of my beautiful son and I have decided to go separate ways.It is somewhat mutual but that doesnt make it less brutal on the soul.
So what I wanted to do was keep a living breathing journal of where I am and where it will take me.I have kept somewhat the same style break up journals before but never for people to read so this will be quite weird but hope insightful.I hope I go up and have wonderful days but then again I hope for that tragedy that comes with the lows.
I want to feel this so openly like loud trains that blast past my house till this day. I wanna live and die and live and die and get so emotard that you will hate it but you will have to read it just to see how it ends or begins again.
because I am very good at beginning again .lets just see if I am as good a finisher.....